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maimtorturekill
brunhilde warcunt.
United States
chuck norris touched me inappropriately while i was sleeping.

Current Residence: where the slime live.
Favourite genre of music: white noise.
Shell of choice: cranial.
Skin of choice: fresh, and young.
Favourite cartoon character: the warden.
Personal Quote: no.
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happy birthday, big brother. 

it's been two years since he left us, or was stolen from us, or however we might look at it. two years and i still find myself stopping in the hallway at two in the morning when i hear the door at the end of the hall crack open, listening for the stumbling shuffle of his still-sleeping walk to the bathroom, or the crash of his keyboard and whatever expletive he was using to berate his failed game, or his steps above my head in the kitchen, the crack of his coke can opening, the sudden snapping bark of his laughter.  

two years this house has been less his presence, and i still feel that tugging denial at the back of my throat when i look up to the shelf in the livingroom and realize that his yellowed handprint in plaster and a box with the ashes of everything he was are all that really remain of him, here, or the boxes of comics that have been sitting in the closet of my bedroom downstairs for eight years or the alarm on his watch that still goes off every day, the alarm he set himself so he could look at his coworkers at shaws and say 'fuckit, i'm outta here', and the hammer on the wall and all of his ridiculous action figures, the WOW pieces he spent so much time and effort on, every little detail precise and perfect and pristine…

coming home to this house was jarring, just that in itself, strange in ways i still cannot fully articulate. 

but, he was here when i left. we hugged and said our i love yous and 'see you soon's, and he went to his room and went to sleep. 

when i came back to visit we greeted each other and said our hellos, and when i left again, the same, 'goodbye', 'i love you', 'see you soon'. he was so anchored here, so permanently present, so immovably, entirely here, and when he died and i came back to help with everything, still, his things all where he left them, his smell still on the walls, the wound of his absence not yet fully opened and certainly nowhere near to being healed, 

and now…

this house is jen now. this place is jen. she's become everything he was and everywhere that he was, and i dont know that i've really sat and thought about it, not really, or appreciated the space that follows at our heels wherever we goes that was his when he was with us. 

i've been here before. 

the birthdays, the holidays, all of those occasions we celebrate for the sake of other people, the hollow silence and that sense of dragging obligation after they've gone and the days themselves seem broken and spiteful and meaningless, just a quietly eviscerating 'fuck you' from the universe, a reminder that we can keep nothing that we really want, not really. that the things, the people, that we love, are impermanent, removable. 

it's ninety-something degress. 

the sky is that taunting, hatefully clear blue of real ocean summer, and we're all very still. everything is still, except for the fans blowing their warm air, and child fidgeting with her warm clothes, the curtains blowing in the warm breeze. 

we're all just here, existing, waiting for the storm to come and snap this heat like a wretched spine. 

happy birthday, big brother. 

i hope it's cooler where you are. 

  • Mood: Neutral

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:iconnattrozanska:
nattrozanska Dec 4, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you so much for the fave =)
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:iconflightlessheron:
flightlessheron Oct 14, 2013  Student Writer
Welcome to #LiteraryMovement! We are glad to have you! I hope you receive and give some great feedback while you're with us! Please remember to fully complete your membership process when you have the time! It helps us know you better and learn how to better provide for our members. The membership form is required, but all other forms and parts of the process are optional. Let me know if you have any questions. :heart:

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:icontirasunil:
tirasunil Oct 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fav. :)
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:iconersatz-moon:
ersatz-moon Sep 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
where do u go to college?
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(1 Reply)
:icontoxic-nebulae:
toxic-nebulae Jul 1, 2013  Student Writer
happy birthday!!
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(1 Reply)
:iconpilcrowdesigns:
PilcrowDesigns Jul 1, 2013   Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday! I made something for ya :p
[link]
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(1 Reply)
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Jun 9, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks for favoriting my work.
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(1 Reply)
:iconfervvent:
fervvent May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you for the favourite (:
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(1 Reply)
:iconersatz-moon:
ersatz-moon May 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
do you believe in the mystical quality of life?
or is it just an illusion created by the rational (or irrational) products of our own minds?
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